Episode 27: Next Time, Put A Dragon In It

[SCENE I. Portland High School. KELLY is packing up after school at her locker when CELESTE arrives and hands her a photograph.]

CELESTE: If you don’t want to have your mind blown, I suggest you don’t look at this. I won’t mind. It’s pretty mind-blowing.

KELLY: What is it? (She looks at it.) The Pacific Northwest blur-monster?

CELESTE: It’s clearly a dragon.

KELLY: It looks like a blur-monster to me.

CELESTE: Then maybe you should come with me when I show you its lair.

KELLY: You found a dragon’s lair.

CELESTE: I did. And I’m going to steal a dragon egg tonight. You can come with me if you want, but only if you want to be a part of something awesome.

(KELLY seems to consider this.)

KELLY: How are you going to steal a dragon’s egg?

CELESTE: Say you’ll come, and maybe I’ll tell you.

KELLY: Fine. But if this was just some lizard you found . . . .

CELESTE: It’s not.

KELLY: All right. I’ll go, but only so you don’t get yourself killed.

CELESTE: Great. Meet me at the Jaded Old Crone at 8.

KELLY: You’re on.


[SCENE II. The Jaded Old Crone. CELESTE is sitting at a table alone when KELLY arrives, carrying a laden backpack.]

KELLY: I’ve packed just about everything you could possibly need.

CELESTE: All right.

KELLY: So, is there a plan?

CELESTE: Well, I’ve sketched a map of the lair here. (She slides a napkin to KELLY.) And I downloaded a dragon call app, so I think we can lure it out.

KELLY: A dragon call app.

CELESTE: It’s pretty great. It comes with advice for luring a dragon. I’ve bought all the things it suggests.

KELLY: You aren’t worried that the dragon will hear the call coming from you and just eat you?

CELESTE: That’s why you set up the lure ahead of time.

KELLY: What are you even going to do with a dragon egg, anyway?

CELESTE: Did you seriously just ask that?


CELESTE: Well, I’ll probably stare at it and think ‘gee, I’m so badass I stole a dragon egg,’ mostly. Maybe if it hatches I’ll raise it as my own.

KELLY: (Sighs.) Well, we might as well get this over with.


[SCENE III. The woods outside Portland. There is what looks like the entrance to a cave set in a large hill. CELESTE and KELLY are setting up lures that consist variously of shiny objects and various forms of meat.]

CELESTE: (Looking at her cellphone.) Okay, I think that’s the last of them.

KELLY: I thought we were basically hanging things up at random.

CELESTE: There’s always a pattern, Kelly. (She sits down on a fallen log.) Now we wait.

KELLY: I thought you had a dragon call?

CELESTE: Dragons only mate at midnight. I thought everyone knew that.

KELLY: And now I’m pretty sure you’re just trolling me.

CELESTE: I do not troll.

(KELLY sits down against a tree and sighs contentedly.)

KELLY: Well, trolling or not, I’m glad you chose to do it here.


[SCENE IV. Later. It is now midnight. The sky is clear, and a gibbous moon hangs in the sky. KELLY is in more or less the same position; CELESTE is standing and pacing.]

KELLY: You know, I did some research earlier. I guess dragon eggs sell for quite a bit online, if you know where to look.

CELESTE: I’m not selling it.

KELLY: Just a thought.

(An alarm goes off on CELESTE’s cell phone. She stops pacing and grins.)

CELESTE: Okay, get ready. I’m going to make the dragon call.

(She taps her phone, which makes a sort of monstrous draconic screeching sound. She and KELLY exchange a glance, then begin to run as far from their little clearing as possible. At about that moment, a large winged shape emerges from the cave, silhouetting itself briefly against the moon. It fortunately does not seem to be following them. Eventually they reach the cave’s entrance–this one is man-sized. The dragon’s entrance must be elsewhere.)

CELESTE: I won’t blame you if you want to stand lookout.

KELLY: Fuck that. I want in on this.

(They make their way inside. After some winding and narrow passages, they enter the dragon’s lair: a large room with the traditional pile of gold and treasure. They both look a little overawed by the whole thing. CELESTE is the first to rally, and quickly approaches a large, egg-shaped stone and slips it into her bag.)

CELESTE: Come on, let’s go.

KELLY: (Distant.) But it’s so pretty. (She picks up a bejeweled tiara and turns it over in her hands.)

CELESTE: (Now standing at the exit.) Come on, we have to go.

(At about this point, there are very large sounds coming from the main cave entrance–the beating of wings, scaly sounds, some slightly less awful versions of the monstrous screeching cry that the dragon call app produced, etc. CELESTE darts inside and grabs KELLY by the arm and pulls her towards the exit. The escape is just in time: the dragon returns to view and makes some distressed sounds, but the thieves are out of sight. The dragon flies outside in a rage. A long silence follows.)

KELLY: Did we just destroy Portland?

CELESTE: Nah. Widespread property damage, sure. But not destroy. (She pulls out the egg.) Totally worth it, though.

KELLY: I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with this tiara.

CELESTE: Sit on it for a while. (Beat.) Not, you know, literally. But you don’t want anyone thinking it’s dragon-loot. This town is good at mobs.

KELLY: Maybe I’ll smuggle it to Seattle. No one will care where I got it there.

CELESTE: Maybe. Still probably best to wait.


[SCENE V. CELESTE’s car, heading back into town. There are several large fires visible before they reach town, and the sky is orange with smoke. Sirens fill the normally silent night.]

KELLY: I always thought I wanted to get out of Portland before, but I was wrong. Now I really want to get out of Portland.

CELESTE: I guess that’s fair. But tell me your mind was not blown just now. We saw a dragon, and now it’s ravaging our home.

KELLY: (Reluctantly.) I guess that is pretty cool.

CELESTE: And we’ll probably have to find a way to get rid of it.

KELLY: Great.

CELESTE: Come on! Kelly Hayes, dragon slayer. You’ll be a hero.

KELLY: I guess.

CELESTE: Great. I’ll do some research tonight. Tomorrow, we fight the dragon.

(To be continued.)


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