[SCENE I. The VAMPIRE’s hut. KELLY is drawing on some scrap paper absently. The VAMPIRE is pacing restlessly. She is talking to him endlessly, and he seems to be trying to ignore her.]
KELLY: So when I’m a vampire will I be better at drawing? (Beat.) Or will I be all sexy and have power over mortal hearts and minds? (Beat.) Do you die in the sun? (Beat.) You’re not a Twilight vampire, are you?
(The VAMPIRE wheels on her, looking annoyed.)
VAMPIRE: (Hypno-eyes.) Be silent. (KELLY closes her mouth and watches him.) I’m going for a walk. Stay here.
(KELLY nods an affirmative as the VAMPIRE stalks out. She sighs wistfully and goes back to drawing.)
[SCENE II. NICHOLAS’s house. NICHOLAS and GAVIN are gearing up for vampire-hunting–GAVIN is sporting a bandolier of stakes, and NICHOLAS is wearing a garland of garlic, as well as carrying a stake awkwardly. GAVIN also appears to have a large sack, some rope, and some handcuffs.]
NICHOLAS: I’m just saying we’d have better luck doing this during the daylight. I mean, he’s a vampire, so–
GAVIN: Nick! Your sister’s life is in danger!
NICHOLAS: Yes, but so is ours if we attack a vampire at night. I mean, that’s just–
GAVIN: You can wait until morning if you want. There are lives at stake here. (He makes for the door.)
NICHOLAS: I was just saying–(Sighs, follows after GAVIN.)
(They get in the car and drive. NICHOLAS is driving, and GAVIN is navigating with his smartphone.)
GAVIN: So, I just want to prepare you for the fact that your sister will probably not want to be rescued.
NICHOLAS: Gavin, every attempt I ever make to save the day ends in everyone involved hating me.
GAVIN: That’s a healthy attitude. Keep those expectations low so you won’t be disappointed, eh?
NICHOLAS: Sure, yeah, that’s what I’m doing.
(They drive along in silence for a while.)
NICHOLAS: So you’re saying she’s probably under the vampire’s sway?
GAVIN: Yeah. You saw that picture. She wanted to be there.
NICHOLAS: Yeah, I guess.
GAVIN: I mean, it’s possible she just thought ‘oh cool, a vampire!’ but even then I think she’d have gotten dressed first. And probably brought her cell phone.
(NICHOLAS offers a cracked smile as they drive on.)
[SCENE III. The VAMPIRE’s hut. KELLY is now doodling in the margins of her paper, which is more or less full already. She looks a little annoyed.]
KELLY: I wish Celeste were here. (She puts her pen down and drums her fingers on the table, clearly bored. A knock at the door startles her, and she hurries to answer it.) I’ve missed–(She opens the door. NICHOLAS and GAVIN are standing there, poised to strike.) –you?
GAVIN: Hi, Kelly!
KELLY: What are you doing here?
NICHOLAS: We’ve come to, uh–
(GAVIN makes frantic “shut up” gestures. NICHOLAS takes the hint.)
NICHOLAS: That is, the vampire wanted us to take you back home! He wants to, uh. Do this properly? Meet the family?
GAVIN: That’s right. And I’m to clean things up here. Make sure nothing’s left behind.
KELLY: Are you wearing garlic?
NICHOLAS: (Out of his depth.) He gave them to me as a token of his goodwill?
KELLY: And are those stakes? You’re here to kill him, aren’t you?
(NICHOLAS and GAVIN exchange a look. NICHOLAS nods, and GAVIN puts a sack over her head. NICHOLAS grabs her arms while GAVIN slaps handcuffs on her.)
GAVIN: Get her to the car!
KELLY: (Muffled.) Let me go!
(They bundle her off towards the car and stuff her in the backseat, still kicking and screaming. GAVIN takes the garland of garlic off NICHOLAS and arms himself with a stake.)
GAVIN: Take her home, Nick. I’ll deal with the bloodsucker.
NICHOLAS: You . . . thank you, Gavin. I owe you one.
(NICHOLAS drives off.)
[SCENE IV. NICHOLAS’s house. The living room. KELLY is tied to the chair, apparently no longer struggling, but giving NICHOLAS a death glare with a gag in her mouth. He sits down at the table with an apple and removes the gag.]
KELLY: He’s actually quite nice, you know.
NICHOLAS: You’re just saying that because he’s worked his vampire magic on you.
KELLY: What? No, he . . . he wouldn’t do that. He’s . . . .
NICHOLAS: He’s some creep you met last night.
KELLY: Oh God. (She looks genuinely upset.) And I fell for it?
NICHOLAS: Don’t beat yourself up over it.
KELLY: Are you going to untie me now?
NICHOLAS: (Thinking about it.) No.
[SCENE V. The VAMPIRE’s hut. GAVIN is preparing a trap that apparently consists of dousing the place in lighter fluid. Once he’s finished, he crouches behind the door, stake in hand. After quite a bit of waiting, the VAMPIRE returns, and apparently immediately senses that something is wrong. He turns just as GAVIN moves to stake him, so the weapon misses. Then he flings GAVIN against the far wall.]
VAMPIRE: What have you done with her?
GAVIN: (Fumbling for a lighter, coughing.) Done with who?
VAMPIRE: (Approaching menacingly.) I can make this go very badly for you.
GAVIN: So can I. (He sets the room alight just as the VAMPIRE seizes him again. The VAMPIRE shrieks in pain as he catches fire, slams GAVIN against the ground, and flees the building. GAVIN, coughing and wiping blood from his mouth, staggers outside as well. The VAMPIRE is waiting. A brief and rather painful-looking battle occurs, before the VAMPIRE leaps in the air and takes flight.)
VAMPIRE: This isn’t over, human. (Flies off for the town.)
[SCENE VI. NICHOLAS and KELLY’s house. He is now eating from a bowl of mixed nuts while she remains tied up.]
KELLY: I really don’t see why you won’t let me free.
NICHOLAS: You could be lying so you can get back to your vampire lover. We wait for Gavin.
KELLY: Couldn’t you at least tie me up somewhere comfortable? Or stop eating in front of me?
(Just then, the VAMPIRE kicks the door down and enters. It is still a little fire-charred, and looks quite angry. NICHOLAS wheels on him, holding aloft a stake.)
NICHOLAS: What happened to Gavin?
(The VAMPIRE laughs madly and throws NICHOLAS across the room.)
(The VAMPIRE turns to look at her.)
VAMPIRE: There you are! Why don’t you–
(KELLY kicks the bowl of mixed nuts. It scatters across the room, and the VAMPIRE immediately begins to count them compulsively.)
KELLY: Get him, Nick!
(NICHOLAS raises the stake and thrusts it through the VAMPIRE’s heart. It shrieks and collapses, twitching, and then falls still. A long silence follows.)
KELLY: Now will you untie me?
[SCENE VII. NICHOLAS and KELLY’s house. Later. The light of a fire truck is visible through the window; eventually GAVIN walks in through the broken door. He is bruised and bloodied, bandaged, and is walking with a crutch.]
NICHOLAS: Jesus, what happened to you?
GAVIN: (In an ‘are you stupid?’ voice.) The vampire happened. (Smug.) But I burned his house down. The fire department came when they saw the flames. Did you–?
NICHOLAS: Yeah. Burned the body. (Beat.) Kelly helped.
GAVIN: That was nice of her.
KELLY: Well, he wasn’t very nice. (Beat.) Thanks, guys.
GAVIN: Don’t mention it. (Sits down, winces.) Though I could do with a drink.
NICHOLAS: I’ll get you a whiskey. (He walks into the kitchen.)
KELLY: I really owe you one, Gav. If there’s anything you need me to do–
GAVIN: I’ll let you know. Thank you.
(NICHOLAS returns and pours some whiskey for GAVIN and himself, and, after some hesitation, a small one for KELLY as well. They talk and drink into the night.)