Episode 3: I’m Sailing Away

[SCENE I. MELISSA and SARAH’s house. The windows are all covered with blackout curtains, and MELISSA is alone in the living room on the computer. The only light comes from the computer screen. MELINA comes downstairs, and nearly trips on something in the dark.]

LINA: Ow, fuck!

MELISSA: Yeah, uh, I meant to put that away. Sorry.

LINA: Damn it, Lissa. (She limps her way to one of the curtains and throws it open; sunlight pours in through the windows. MELISSA cringes at the light.) You’re too young to be a crazy cat lady.

MELISSA: I don’t have any cats. (She gets up to close the curtain, but MELINA stands in her way and pushes her down into a seat on the couch as she goes around and opens more curtains.)

LINA: You haven’t left the house since Sarah went on vacation, Lissa. It’s summer. Aren’t you usually out making terrible decisions by now?


LINA: Look, I’m going to borrow Regret and go out sailing. You’re coming with me if I have to beat you unconscious and drag you out.

MELISSA: Damn it, Lina, I don’t want to have fun!

(LINA gives her a blank look.)

MELISSA: Christ, fine. I’ll just go pack.

LINA: If you are not down here and ready in an hour I am coming after you.

(MELISSA, grumbling to herself, makes her way up the stairs.)


[SCENE II. The Xenakis family’s private docks. MELISSA and MELINA pull up in the car and get out.]

LINA: (Running a hand along the hull of the yacht.) There she is! Regret! Pride of Portland’s waterways!

MELISSA:(Reluctantly.)Okay, yeah, it’s been too long since I’ve had a proper sailing excursion.

LINA: Also too long since you’ve seen the light of day.

MELISSA: Yes, thank you, Lina.

LINA: Probably it is too late, and you will remain a pale, shriveled recluse forever.

MELISSA: You are the worst sister I have ever had.

(They climb aboard Regret and set sail. MELISSA cringes a little as they sail out into the bright sunlight, but eventually she relaxes.)

LINA: So, on a subject that is in no way related to what we are doing right now, do you remember the time I went on a quest for revenge against the guy who conned our mother out of money, oh, forever ago?

MELISSA: I seem to remember that (a) you didn’t invite me, (b) after you came back you got fired and started living on my couch, and (c) you wouldn’t actually talk to me about it after.

LINA: Ah, yes, that sounds like the one. (Beat.) So, I found the guy. His name was Shelley. He was eaten by a whale. He told me he was conned by an old partner of his, that he wanted to give the money back and–

MELISSA: So basically he said the things con artists say when they get caught by vengeful victims.

LINA: Yes! I didn’t really believe him, but, well, watching a man die like that–I had some friends look into it for me. Turns out he might have been telling the truth.


LINA: If that’s so, then I’m pretty sure we inherit the need for vengeance from Shelley.

MELISSA: Wait, what?

LINA: Well, revenge is like a debt, right? If you die without paying your debts it gets passed on to your kids or whatever. Except with revenge it gets passed on to the next person down the line, which is us. And if it kills us then it probably falls to Sarah or something, since the debt of vengeance has claimed the lives of her best friend and her best friend’s sexy twin sister.

MELISSA: Well, you know what they say about revenge.

LINA: That it’s awesome?

MELISSA: . . . sure, why not? (Beat.) Thanks for actually inviting me this time.

LINA: Look, I tried last time.

MELISSA: So, what did you find out about our inherited revenge target?

LINA: There’s a couple of islands out here that he visits about once a week. My contact doesn’t know why, but, well, if we pick one, we get our man.

MELISSA: Delicious.

LINA: And while we wait we get to hang out on an island and drink! Everybody wins. Except for the guy we’re here to exact vengeance on.

MELISSA: The guy upon whom we are here to exact vengeance.

LINA: Yes, him. He doesn’t win.


[SCENE III. An island at sunset. The Regret is just pulling in to a hidden little harbor. MELISSA and MELINA work quickly to secure the boat and conceal it from prying eyes, then withdraw into the cabin.]

LINA: Perfect. According to my source, he’ll probably be here in three days. That leaves a day to explore and a day for senseless partying.

MELISSA: You plan the best vacations.


[SCENE IV. The next day. It’s raining and cold. MELISSA and MELINA are walking along the forested island. Neither of them are particularly well-dressed for the weather.]

MELISSA: You plan the worst vacations.

LINA: How was I supposed to know this would be the one year it actually rains in the summer?

MELISSA: You could have checked the weather forecast.

LINA: Yes, well, shut up.

(They explore for a while before they find what looks like a hidden door that was probably at one point buried under the sand, but the recent rain has washed it away.)

MELISSA: Well, well.

(LINA stoops to open the doors, which lead into an underground chamber. The twins wordlessly descend. MELINA produces a flashlight and shines it around.)

LINA: It’s cold down here.

MELISSA: Yeah. (LINA shines a light on a lightswitch and MELISSA hits it.)

LINA: Look at all these crates.

MELISSA: Here, help me pry one of these open.

(LINA produces a small pry and opens one of the crates.)

MELISSA: I knew it. Raspberries.

LINA: (Begins prying some other crates.) It’s not just that. There’s butter, cheese, bananas . . . . I think we’ve found the food smuggling kingpin, Lissa.

MELISSA: You could feed the entire population of Canada with this!

LINA: More than that. (She indicates a door in the back.) You could probably feed all of Portland.

MELISSA: And we’re bringing him down.

LINA: I’m glad you’re with me for this one, Lissa.

MELISSA: Yeah, this is much more exciting than reading people argue about webcomics online.

(They approach the door in the back and open it. A blast of cold air greets them, and they step into the freezer to explore further.)



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