Episode 4: Cache On Delivery

[SCENE I. The island of the smugglers’ cache. It is raining quite a lot, and MELISSA and MELINA have taken shelter in their yacht, Regret. They appear to have acquired a small stockpile of food from the smugglers’ cache.]

MELISSA: This is the worst trip I’ve ever been on.

LINA: That wasn’t clever the first time you said it.

MELISSA: It’s an acquired taste.

LINA: Pretty sure it’s not. (Beat.) Anyway, we should probably hide the boat and go back to the cache. He should be here in a few hours.

MELISSA: That sounds like it might involve going outside again.

LINA: We all have to make sacrifices.

MELISSA: Oh, very well.

LINA: I, for instance, have to deal with you all the time.

MELISSA: Remind me again why I don’t charge you rent?

LINA: Because you love me very much. Now come on, off your lazy ass. We’ve got work to do.

[SCENE II. The cache. MELISSA and MELINA are lying in wait.]

MELISSA: Do you hear that?

LINA: What?

MELISSA: I think it stopped raining.

LINA: (Listens for a moment.) So it has. Maybe we can go enjoy the weather after we’re done with revenge.

MELISSA: Any armchair philosopher will tell you that you’re never really done with revenge.

LINA: What about Hamlet?

MELISSA: He died.

LINA: Exactly!

MELISSA: Dying is not a happy ending, Lina.

LINA: But he was done with revenge afterwards, right?

MELISSA: . . . sure, why not?

(Voices from without forestall any further comment.)

LINA: Shut the fuck up, they’re coming!

MELISSA: Maybe this is a bad time to ask, but do we actually have a plan?

LINA: Why would I have one of those?

MELISSA: Oh, you know. No reason.

(The trap door opens. A girl in a black hoodie, the hood drawn up to conceal her features, stands in the entrance.)

LINA: The fuck?

(The girl steps inside and removes her hood, revealing herself to be KELLY HAYES.)


KELLY: Melissa? What are you doing here?

MELISSA: Oh, you know, ill-timed family vacation, thought maybe we’d take shelter in this suspicious cache of food.

KELLY: Uh, would you believe it’s not what it looks like?


KELLY: Could I convince you to maybe pretend you never saw me?

MELISSA: Well, that depends on–ow!

(LINA elbows MELISSA in the ribs.)

LINA: We’re here for your boss, Kelly. He did the Xenakis family a bad turn many years ago.

KELLY: I see. In that case, I’ve got a proposal for you.

MELISSA: Ooh, is it a classic ‘help me kick him out and take over his smuggling empire’ proposal? I love those.

KELLY: Um, yes, basically.

MELISSA: Does this satisfy your need for revenge, Lina?

LINA: I suppose.

MELISSA: Great! Let’s go make Nicholas’s little sister a criminal kingpin.

KELLY: Would you believe I had a plan all, uh, planned out for just such an occasion?

MELISSA: Well, while it no doubt it failed to take into account that the people who were helping you were both sexy and talented, but it isn’t surprising.

(Brief wavy-dream lines: KELLY’s fantasy. SARAH and MELISSA helping overthrow her captain. They are collectively fighting off an implausible number of angry sailors, while KELLY duels the captain with rapiers on the bow. She is dressed like a stereotypical pirate queen.)

KELLY: Yes, my plans definitely didn’t specifically involve you at all.

LINA: I’m sure we’ll cope. What’s the plan?

KELLY: Well, you’ve got a boat here, right?

MELISSA: Obviously.

KELLY: Do you mind using it for a bit of smuggling?

LINA: So long as you don’t think she’s suddenly yours.

KELLY: No, no, just for this one run.

MELISSA: And you aren’t allowed to mention this to Sarah, ever.

KELLY: I–okay, fine.

MELISSA: Good! Now let’s go do some crime.

[SCENE III. The Regret. MELISSA and MELINA are loading some crates aboard. It’s just after sunset.]

MELISSA: I think she’s just getting us to do menial labor for her.

LINA: If revenge involves moving a few boxes–

(KELLY emerges from the trees and waves, helps them with the last few crates, and hurries aboard.)

KELLY: Now, you’ve called in the coast guard?

MELISSA: We did. You aren’t worried this will ruin your smuggling operation?

KELLY: Well, we’ll lose this cache, it’s true. But I figure, if you two could track us down, it probably wasn’t very secure anyway.

LINA: And as an added bonus, they’ll be chasing smugglers over here while we are doing the actual smuggling. (Beat.) Won’t your boss notice you’re gone?

KELLY: Oh, he will, but I sabotaged the engines, so he’s pretty much stuck there.

(LINA pushes the camouflaged yacht from the little harbor and lets it drift slowly out to sea.)

[SCENE IV. The Regret, on the open sea. LINA is still sailing. KELLY and MELISSA are passing a bottle of rum back and forth. A radio scanner crackles to life.]

RADIO: We’ve apprehended the smuggler. We’re sending a team out to explore the island. Looks like there was a pretty big cache here.

(LINA flicks the radio off.)

LINA: Well, that was profoundly unsatisfying.

MELISSA: Can’t win them all.

LINA: Except, we could have. We just agreed to help Hayes here instead.

KELLY: Which, you know, was the awesome thing to do.

MELISSA: Cheer up, Lina. You’ve probably ruined this dude’s life!

LINA: He’ll be back for revenge eventually. And then he’ll track Kelly down and she’ll sell us out in a heartbeat.

KELLY: I’m right here.

LINA: Then he’ll track us down.

MELISSA: Man, that’ll be awkward. Is there some sort of revenge etiquette? ‘Oh, since you were trying to get revenge on me it’s cool that you ruined my career and got me locked up in some slimy coast guard prison.’

KELLY: I don’t think the coast guard has prisons.

MELISSA: That’s what they want you to think. They lock you up in dungeons beneath their lighthouses along the coast. The prisoners operate a treadmill that powers the lighthouse, so they’re basically carbon-neutral.

KELLY: I don’t think that’s what carbon-neutral means.

MELISSA: Every day he mans those treadmills he’ll think of you, and how you betrayed him. (She points at the gleam of a lighthouse on the horizon.) That light is him. He’s searching for the woman who wronged him.

KELLY: Eh, he was kind of a dick.

LINA: I’ll drink to that.

MELISSA: Not if you’re driving, you won’t.

LINA: I hate you.

MELISSA: Here to help!



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